Parenting in the time of COVID-19

Parents: to optimize time during the COVID-19 isolation event, try to channel your energy toward positive thinking and behaving, and be intentional in mitigating any potentially negative impacts on your child’s day-to-day experience. Parents should always try to create predictability for their children as much as possible, but especially so when life turns upside down for everyone! Children thrive when they know what to expect because it eases the burden of stress due to uncertainty. With all of society faced with the sudden loss of predictability, emotions are heightened, calling us to action, parents especially. With the right perspective (and a lot of grit!) you can turn the experience of COVID-19 into an opportunity for growth for you and your family — it may be hard to do, but possible. This is an opportunity to practice acceptance, patience, and positivity, and to model such for your children – unexpected, restrictive parameters provide an excellent means to practice frustration tolerance, something all of us could stand to do.

We have organized some thoughts on how parents may use this time for progress by using the Zone of Proximal Parenting framework of parent psychology. You have the best chance of optimizing your child’s development during COVID-19 (or any time) when you improve the quality of your Zen, Order, Partnership, and Purpose (ZOPP). ZOPP to it!

ZEN: “Finding comfort in the discomfort”

Stay calm. Make time to reflect and process current events. Try to find the silver lining in any circumstances that elicit anxiety. Try to identify what you are feeling and whether you consider it a positive or negative emotion; for the negatives, try to articulate a sentence that explains why you feel this way. For example, if you see the headline “groceries to have limited hours” and start to feel panicked, force yourself to articulate why you feel the way you do in a complete sentence, like “Oh, things must be really bad” or “If groceries have limited hours, we may miss the opportunity to get the things we need when we run out” — then ask yourself “what is the worst thing that could happen if my expectation is right?”. You might say “we won’t have our favorite meals” or “we won’t have toilet paper” or “the kids will be so upset without orange juice”; instead of fretting over what you don’t have or can’t do, consider the positive consequences of going without. You will quickly see the worst-case scenario is actually not that bad. Next, identify a new positive expectation to replace the original one. A new intentional thought might be “The new restrictions might make it seem like things are getting worse, but in actuality, the restrictions indicate the leaders are taking action and ensuring what needs to be done happens. This is a good thing because the stricter we are the quicker this will end.” When you change your negative thinking to positive, you free yourself from the tangle of worry and open a world of exciting possibilities. Practicing mindfulness (intentionality of thought as described above) and meditation (actively working to not think about something intentionally) are good ways to begin developing a persistent state of calm. Also, don’t hold yourself to too high of expectations and go easy on yourself. If you have a bad moment, try not to dwell on it. Look to the next opportunity to exercise tolerance in light of challenging circumstance.

Offer reassurance and optimism. Parents should keep a positive attitude and avoid talk that will raise anxiety in their children, even if they feel anxious themselves. Reassure your children that the changes occurring are temporary and that the time will go by fast because there is so much learning and fun you have planned for them. Make time for one-on-one interaction with each child to encourage open communication. You are also more likely to feel optimistic when you are actively productive, so be intentional in how you spend your time, particularly regarding shared experiences with your children. Spend time with your children outside each day. Use this time to adjust your priorities and include time for self-reflection, relaxation, and fun with your children. If you must continue to work at home or as a first responder, try to make time to share a joyful exchange with your children, even if it is limited to a five-minute video call. Every time you do, you recharge their capacity for learning and growth.

Limit access to information about the COVID-19 crisis. Children do not need to know all the details (heck, neither do parents!). Try to keep discussions about the current event brief and positive. Be honest and do not avoid your children’s questions about the situation, even ask them what their questions are, but do not dwell on it either. Children need to know that people can get sick and that the coronavirus can make people very sick, so it is important for everyone to avoid large groups of people, such as at school or the playground, until everyone who is currently sick is healthy again. Older children will want to know more and will probably be able to find that information on their own. Validate their feelings while also giving them hope for the future. For example, if a child expresses fear of getting sick, acknowledge the fear as normal, but also tell child that humans are adaptive and that there are many people working to develop treatments. Parents know their children best and should adjust their conversations accordingly.

Make healthy choices. Charles Dickens said, “Man cannot really improve himself without improving others”. When you make good choices that benefit your own health and function, you naturally do the same for your children. Try to keep a regular schedule with set sleep and wake times to ensure you get adequate sleep, which is more important than food and water. Sleep is when your brain is most active, cleaning up the brain and reorganizing information to prepare you for better adaptability the next day. Keep the blood flowing throughout the day with regular bouts of physical activity. Go for walks or bike rides; have a dance party with your kids. We construct our brains through movement in the world; try to find new modes of physical exploration. Make healthy choices regarding food and drink. Stick to fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and protein. Enjoy the sugary/salty treats you and your children love in moderation. Drink plenty of water. Stay healthy by managing any acute or chronic illness by taking medicine as prescribed. Take your daily vitamins and spend some time in nature, even just opening a window can help (if you don’t suffer from seasonal allergies!).

Seek professional help if needed. If you, one of your children, or anyone else in your family struggles with mental or behavioral issues, or you find yourself struggling to focus and function adequately given current events, you should consult with a licensed mental health professional, such as a psychologist, counselor, or social worker. Most are now offering telehealth services, or therapy by telephone, text, email, or live video chat. If you have medical insurance, check with your carrier for names of providers who may be available to help; many providers are also offering reduced rates for individuals or families without health insurance at this time.

ORDER: “Curating space for predictability and productivity”

Develop an Action Plan. Parents will need to be proactive and informed in their decisions regarding appropriate childcare and continuity of schoolwork demands while schools are closed. Parents should develop a weekly schedule that closely mirrors their child’s typical school week. Families should stick with a regular routine, with regular sleep and wake times, designated times to eat, academic learning, outdoor time, and play activities. Determine what a day will look like for each child and stick to the schedule as best you can. Hang the schedule in a prominent place so everyone knows what to expect as the day progresses. A parent or caregiver should plan to be with the child the entire day to ensure child safety, nourishment, social interaction, play, and assistance are provided as needed.

Set up a family meeting. Parents should sit down with their children once a schedule is developed to positively communicate to their children about the temporary changes and new expectations. Parents should try their best to highlight silver linings instead of focusing on the undesirable aspects of the COVID-19 event. Children will quickly pick up on any parental anxiety, which can lead to adjustment issues. Giving children a structured day with plenty of activities, including academic tasks, games, imaginative play, creative projects, and time outside will help to distract parents and children from the worrisome aspects of the situation. Giving children stimulating and enriching things to do to use up their seemingly unending reserves of energy will also help them to sleep better at night.

Avoid unlimited access to television and electronic media. Many parents will need to continue working from home but should resist the temptation to rely on electronic media to occupy their children so they can work. While television and video games certainly have their place, time spent engaged with these devices should be limited and earned after child adequately meets daily expectations. All electronic media activities by children should be monitored by parents. Parents may find it hard to get uninterrupted stretches of time, so creativity is key. One idea is to have willing loved ones read to them or lead an activity via video call. Using electronic devices to connect with others in meaningful and interactive ways is encouraged as much as possible and eases the burden of social distancing.

Respect boundaries and personal space. Parents should respect the personal space and boundaries of their children and expect children to do the same. Each child should have a designated space in the home, whether a bedroom or desk, to do with what they wish. Families will be spending a lot of time together in close quarters, so it is important for each child to have a quiet and personal space to retreat to when needed. It also gives kids a good reference point for explaining personal boundaries. Just like you don’t touch the things in their personal space is just how they shouldn’t touch the things in the personal space of others. It also helps emphasize the importance of body boundaries and social distancing – by imagining an area of personal space around each individual akin to the tangible personal space of a bedroom or a comfy corner, children will quickly learn to distance appropriately to avoid sharing germs.

PARTNERSHIP: “Sharing experiences within the family”

Stay engaged with your children. Parents should be actively engaged with their children for most of the days. This will be difficult for parents who must continue working (whether or not they are at home), but it is important to make time for direct parent-child interaction. Parents may consider parallel working with their children, which is when parents and children sit in the same room and work quietly on their respective tasks. They may call it ‘library time’ when everyone works quietly. This gives parents the unique opportunity to regularly model for their children adherence to a work task. Don’t forget to praise your children for their efforts.

Read. As much as possible. Set time aside each day for reading and encourage more reading beyond that. For parents of younger children, read aloud as your children take in the pictures. Slide your finger along the words as you read to your children allowing them to follow along and practice the rhythm of reading from left to right. Communicate your thought process as you’re reading to give children a model for deep thinking and comprehension. Make predictions aloud about what you think will happen and compare the unfolding story to your guesses as you read. This will help your children learn how to truly comprehend and accommodate new information; it will also help motivate them to read more. For parents of children of all ages, make time to catch up on books you’ve been meaning to read, doing so during designated reading time. Make reading a joyful ritual while you have the time and it will become habit.

Complete household chores together. Parents may set aside time each day for household chores and work together with their children, five years and older, to complete them. Most school-aged children are capable of picking up after themselves when finished with a task or meal, wiping the table, putting dirty clothes in laundry room, and making their beds. Parents will want to maintain a clean home, particularly if anyone within the family appears sick. Continuous reminders to wash hands and cover nose and mouth when coughing and sneezing will be necessary. This is an excellent opportunity to teach your children good cleanliness and hygiene habits. Refer to the CDC website for specific information on how to best avoid getting or making others sick.

Display affection often. A positive sense of self worth develops over time as children grow increasingly capable of overcoming more and more challenges on their own. But the seed for self worth is planted by parent affection, which validates a child’s sense of being regardless of what they actually do. With constant displays of affection, children feel valued, which reduces stress, enabling them to focus on the things that really matter, such as playing and learning. Children always benefit from the unconditional love of a parent, but when life suddenly becomes unpredictable, children actually need frequent physical and verbal affection to avoid additional feelings of insecurity, which can compound normal anxieties surrounding unexpected life events. Lots and lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles, and ‘I love you’ are always recommended.

PURPOSE: “Work toward meaningful goals”

Continue academic learning. While this event bears some similarity to an extended holiday, try not to fall into the trap of treating it like one. If your child’s school is not participating in online learning, your child’s teacher may be willing to give you homeschool topics to cover with your children. Reach out to teachers and ask for advice or specific lessons and activities to do with your children. A simple Google search will also yield an array of teaching and experiential learning activities, too. Consider reaching out to the parents of your child’s classmates to share ideas or to work on activities together via live chat options online.

Continued socialization. Children are accustomed to seeing their family and friends either at school, organized extracurriculars, summer camps, parties, and more — pretty soon they will ask to see their friends and loved ones. Telecommunications such as phone calls, text messaging, email, and Skype are handy during these strange modern times (how lucky we are to have global connectivity!). When electronic devices are used to connect to our loved ones, there is no need to limit time spent as is done with television and video games. Parents should encourage their children to spend time communicating and connecting with others digitally and may even consider designating time each day to doing so.

Cooperate. Keep in mind the reason schools are closed: to keep people distanced from each other to prevent further spread of COVID-19. Do not plan to take your child out to fun activities like the movies or museums, even if they are open, as such defeats the purpose of social distancing. Please heed the restrictions put in place by the local authorities as best you can and try not to minimize the importance of social distancing. Stay home and resist the urge to travel. This is an opportunity to show your children how one family’s actions are meaningfully connected to the broader community -- the lesson of sacrifice and frustration tolerance will persist long beyond this event. See the isolation as a beautiful act of community, of everyone doing a hard thing to save the vulnerable few. The quicker we all act accordingly, the sooner we will see the other side.

Practice habits that improve the world. Pick a cause you are passionate about, something in the world that drives you to action. Spend some time each day practicing with your children small changes in habit to work toward improving the world beyond your home. For example, start the vegetable garden you’ve always wanted or make found object art out of plastic you’d normally throw away. What does the world need right now? What will the world need in the future? The Japanese have a concept known as Ikigai, or a “reason for being”. The concept is achieved when one has discovered purpose. By taking the time to reflect and identify your passions (what you love + what you’re good at), your mission (what you love + what the world needs), your vocation (what the world needs + a way to make money), and a profession (a way to make money + what you are good at), you realize your Ikigai. Explore these concepts with your children and identify reasons for being right now — then act on it in the ways you can given your current parameters. By the time all of this has passed, you will have begun to teach your child the importance of self-reflection, altruism, small actions, and cooperative collaboration. Imagine what the future will be like for our children if most parents take this perspective and use this time to highlight the importance of selfless action. Parents are truly the pioneers to a paradigm shift in human awareness given the lifelong impact their positive attitudes and purposeful actions have on the psychologies of their children.